Let me just admit this upfront. I like the Jerry Seinfeld show. There was some great writing and the characters matured into wonderful sources for insight into the human condition.
Below are some of their best interchanges: (thanks to Joe Carter of the evangelicaloutpost.com)
"I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
"And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
"No, it offends me as a comedian."
- Jerry and Father Curtis, in "The Yada Yada"
"You are still afraid? You are not a man."
"Well, then what are all those ties and sports jackets doing in my closet?"
- Gina and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
"I still can't believe you're going out on a blind date."
"I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking."
"You're going by sound? What are we, whales?"
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Wink"
"Wait. Those are the clothes from the bag!"
"The guy never came back."
"He asked you to watch them, not wear them."
"I'm still watching them."
- Jerry and George, in "The Muffin Tops"
"What if something happens?"
"What could happen?"
"What if it felt good?"
"It's supposed to feel good."
"I don't want it to feel good."
"Then why get the massage?"
- George, discussing a massage given by a male masseuse, with Elaine, in "The Note"
"No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line. Plus, they botched my vasectomy."
"They botched it?"
"I'm even more potent now!"
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Andrea Doria"
"So, what you are saying is that ninety to ninety-five percent of the population is undateable?"
"Then how are all these people getting together?"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Wink"
"What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?"
"It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class."
- George and Jerry, in "The Deal"
"All bald people look good in hats."
"You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then."
"What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew."
- George and Elaine, in "The Parking Spot"
"Well, behind every joke there's some truth."
"What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says, 'Ah, I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that."
- Sheila and Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
"God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy."
"I thought you didn't believe in God?"
"I do for the bad things."
- George and his therapist, in "The Pilot"
"I've been lying about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."
- George, in "The Wizard"
"What are you saying?"
"I'm not saying anything."
"You're saying something."
"What could I be saying?"
"Well, you're not saying nothing. You must be saying something."
"If I was saying something, I would've said it."
"Why don't you say it?"
"I said it."
"What'd you say?"
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Red Dot"
"It's a write-off for them."
"How is it a write-off?"
"They just write it off."
"Write it off what?"
"Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
"You don't even know what a write-off is."
"No, I don't."
"But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."
"I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Package"