"HOW SHALL WE THEN LIVE?" Francis Schaeffer

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Finding a girl at church

A poster at Garfield Ridge gave Dave some advice on how to meet some nice women. Dave made it plain beforehand he doesn’t believe in a God.

“actually, Dave, your best bet, i.m.o., is to find a mainstream protestant liturgical church with a largish population of 24-35 year old single women. Don't worry, you'd be attending for the express purpose of getting laid and/or having a meaningful relationship - any religious benefit would simply be icing on the cake.
For a guy your age, church offers a couple of benefits from a purely secular standpoint.
1 - most liturgical protestant (Lutheran, Episcopalian) churches aren't that gung-ho. No mid-service speaking in tongues or getting pulled before the congregation to witness before the group or that stuff. So you're not going to get button-holed about your faith life or put on the spot or otherwise discomfitted during the service.
2 - 11:00 services give you a reason to not stay out all night Saturday and a place to be late in the morning Sunday in a dressed, fairly presentable fashion. Again, this has nothing to do with 'God' and that. It's just that you're going to be in proximity to single women in the late morning on the weekend.
3- You get to meet these women socially in a situation with good lighting at a time when you can have a non-threatening coffee/brunch date after the service.
Since you're 1) male and 2) attending a service all by yourself, you'll be noticed by every. single. single woman at the service. Some of them will come up and ask your name if this is your first time attending the service. If you've got any sort of conversational game you can determine if it's a pond you want to fish.
5 - Churches are composed of groups - most have social activities during the week, away from the church. One church I attended after I turned 30 had a young adult ministry group (under 40) and we played pinnochle at members houses or apartments on a rotating schedule, no prayers to start, no God stuff, we drank and socialized, played cards and such. It was a good bunch of people, one of whom I dated.
Other times you can just talk with the gals during coffee hour after services and figure out a time to get together on a date. It's a nice place to have a conversation. Especially if you drop a 'I hope I'll see you next week" into the mix.
6 - How to behave during the service:
A) Sit 2/3rds of the way back in the congregation. This gives you time to notice what's happening around you when it's time for communion (do they start from the back or the front? Do they hand out stuff or do you walk up? )
B) Have a cover story, not much of one, but come up with a reason why you're there other than to get laid. "It's been a while since I attended church and I thought I'd like to visit a couple of congregations" is about all you need to say.
c) Look confident. God's not going to strike you dead and your pastor from your childhood isn't going to burst in and administer you a Faith Quiz. You're there. Treat it like a social anthropology experiment if you need something to think about
d) For most services it's 'stand, sit, stand, sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, walk-up, walk-back, kneel, stand, exit'
If you're halfway charming and have reasonable grooming habits you're going to have more female attention than you'll know what to do with. Attractive females, too - you'd be surprised.
In the event you decide 'no f’ing way' - that's okay, I'm not the one hardup to get laid.
any good luck - good hunting.”

[ Dave responds; he’s not that desperate to fool somebody when he’s a thorough non-believer]
The poster responds back:
“Once you're actually dating a female regularly there's no obligation to continue to go to church on a weekly basis. Saturday night go out, take her back to your place, shag the reason out of her, and don't set the alarm clock.
Sure, you run the risk that you'll actually like the people in the congregation, that you'll enjoy the social contacts you've made, like the company and you'll figure that the entertainment value of church ($1 per hour, plus free coffee and cookies) is worth it so you'll fold up a dollar, put it in a pew envelope, and toss it in the collection plate, but - hey - life's a risky proposition.
Also, odds are better than 50/50 that she'll go along with skipping awhile, possibly all together. After all, the reason she's going to church in the first place is just to meet nicer guys than the ones she sees at the bars.
I'll make this guarantee, if you attend services at a reasonably big liturgical protestant church you'll start getting laid within the month on a regular basis. (Btw - 'liturgical' means that you follow a liturgy, which is a script. There are no surprises, no sudden outbreaks of congregational singing, or handling of serpents.)
Here's a place to start looking for congregations in your neck of the woods:
You can use data mining techniques, if you like. I did.
Lutheran congregations within 15 miles of Alexandria:
You'd want a congregation that's got more than 500 people registered or one that features an active singles group in their newsletters (most of which are online so you can browse to see how 'religiousy' they are.
Avoid Wisconsin or Missouri Synod congregations unless the chick is *smoking hot*.
btw - I'm not proseltyzing or concerned in any way, shape, or form about your immortal soul.

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